It would be wonderful if we could accept who we are without self-criticism. There seems to be a corner of the mind that has an unstoppable record player that keeps repeating the same sentences. “I am not good enough, I am too tall, too short, too fat, too stupid, too whatever.” Very rarely does it repeat “I am smart, I am healthy, I am abundant, I am happy, I am amazing.”
No one criticizes us more than our own mind. And worst of all we do not even know that we are doing it. Most thoughts when we are not engaged are mental repetition. These thoughts are in the background. They come from our subconscious mind. If you are just sitting doing nothing and I ask what you are thinking. You will respond I do not know.
Jack Kornfield in his study of mindfulness explains it this way: “In mindfulness, the most common insistent visitors are the repetitive thought patterns we call the Top Ten Tunes. Normally when thoughts arise, we can simply acknowledge them and name them softly “thinking, thinking,” and in the light of loving awareness they will vanish like a cloud. However, the Top Ten Tunes, whether as words, images, or stories, will persist and return no matter how often they are noticed. They play like old records, repeating a theme over and over.
Unfortunately, the majority of those thought patterns are negative. Every day, when our mind is not engaged, it repeats negative affirmations which reaffirms the concept I am not good enough. We need to keep the mind engaged. This is why mindfulness is so important. It makes us aware of what the mind is doing. Our thoughts, conscious or unconscious attract similar thoughts and circumstances. We need to be vigilant of what we are thinking.
We can have good self-esteem and still not think we are good enough. Self-acceptance requires us to embrace every aspect of ourselves, both strengths and weaknesses.
From the moment we are born we are influenced by elders. This will impact how we see ourselves. If we are given love, encouragement, and acceptance we will be different than those who experienced the opposite. Also, we come into the world with previous impressions and attributes. Some children’s attitudes are naturally happy while others are more grumpier.
Once we start school we are measured according to our performance and our assimilation with our peers. Later in life how we are treated by others can influence our self-acceptance.
Self-forgiveness is used by some therapists which incorporates responsibility, remorse, restoration, and renewal. Others use self-compassion.
Self-compassion includes talking to yourself as if you were giving advice to a friend. Putting the situation into perspective. Engaging in self-care like exercise, meditation, and healthy eating. Of course, we cannot control outside circumstances, but we can try to change them. Simple practices of setting goals like exercising or walking daily and keeping to them brings about change. We will begin to look at the brighter side of things. Everything can be seen from many angles.
We need to value our abilities. Even if they are as simple as making a wonderful meal. Or being a good friend. Or maybe you work hard. Whatever our strength is, no matter how big or small we need to appreciate and acknowledge and refer back to them when self-criticism arises.
We need to be able to say no to those friends that always look at the negative aspect of life. Let us surround ourselves with people that accept us for who we are.
We are living and we will make mistakes, and have disappointments. It is important to forgive ourselves. If one does not, then those mistakes block our vision. When our dreams are not fulfilled it is easy to feel disappointed, this is natural. But we need to move on. Accepting our failures does not mean we are settling. They are our steppingstones for self-introspection and leading us to our positive qualities.
We need to take time out for self-acceptance. It is something that needs work and development. We spend years of effort to become a doctor, lawyer, artist, or mechanic, but no time to develop self-esteem and self-acceptance. We feel it is something we either have or have not. Both need to be developed. Both need effort. Both are the key to success in all other fields in life from professions to relationships.
The first step from a yogic perspective is to control the mind. To become aware how our mind talks to us. Mindfulness is very important. Our mind is depicted like a monkey that jumps from branch to branch of thought. We need to control this monkey mind through mindfulness. Thinking of what we are doing at this very moment is mindfulness. This does not allow that record in the background to play. When we are totally engaged in the present moment, without thought about past experiences or expectations of the future we go into meditation and our true self is revealed and intuition and knowledge are revealed.
We all came to this earth with special gifts to share with others. Some are inclined towards service, others towards building, others towards business and others towards the arts. Whatever our special gift is needs to be explored. Just as every item in a motor is needed for it to run smoothly, our gifts are needed in this world. It is our dharma. Once we fulfill this dharma, we will feel that self-acceptance otherwise there will always be a nagging of lack.
Taking an honest inventory of our gifts and our weaknesses is the true steppingstone towards self-actualization and feeling that we are good enough. No one is perfect, but we are perfect the way we are.
“Because one believes in oneself, one doesn’t try to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one doesn’t need others’ approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world accepts him or her.”
― Lao Tzu
