Expectation is a strong belief that something should happen. Merely expecting something to happen does not make it happen. The problem is expecting something without a good reason. I cannot expect a cup of tea to magically appear. I need to make it happen by brewing it. Expecting results from our effort is perfectly fine.
But in interpersonal relationships, we may expect others to behave the way we want and expect that it will make them behave that way. When they do not, we are perturbed and resentful. Think about our own lives, where we were resentful when people did not live up to our expectations. Psychologists state that: “Expectations are premeditated resentment.”
We can find lots of examples in our own lives. You have a special guest coming for dinner. You spend a great deal of time planning and cooking the perfect dinner. You take out the good plates and set a beautiful table. The occasion comes, and the other person does not acknowledge your effort, even after probing questions. Our mind will begin to resent that person for not valuing our effort. We expected them to behave a certain way, but they did not. That nagging resentment will spoil the occasion.
Expecting life to turn out the way we want will always lead to disappointment. When unfulfilled expectations involve others failing to behave the way we want, it leads to resentment.
In personal relationships, we need to communicate our expectations. Unspoken expectations are mostly unfulfilled. Expecting others to do what is in our interest, not theirs, is unrealistic. Unrealistic expectations are premeditated resentment. Even with our teenagers, we expect them to behave in ways that align with social norms, but because of their rebellious nature, they may not always comply.
We expect, but what about us? What if others expect us to behave in a certain way that is inconsistent with our beliefs, goals, and values? We need to let go of expectations. Without expectations, we can accept others who are different from us. Good outer expectations lead to realistic inner expectations. We judge ourselves and expect ourselves to be a certain way. If we do not meet those qualities, we start putting ourselves down as failures. This can lead to self-loathing, which in turn may lead to antisocial behavior.
In our spiritual life it is of utmost importance to release expectations. We need to let go. We need to let go of self-judgment. We need to let go of what it means to be spiritual. We need to just BE. We do not have to be perfect, nor do we have to know everything. Just be in the moment. Being spiritual or a master means being joyful and blissful.
We expect to be happy. Happiness is an external thing, fleeting and beyond us. It is an illusion that external things will make us happy. Once we let go of our expectations of ourselves and others, we can perceive the true nature of reality. Once we stop judging ourselves, we can appreciate the efforts that we are making.
